It's been a while since I posted anything (a little too much happening) but this morning as I went for my walk the trees were just too beautiful not to share. The picture was taken one block away from my place. I love watching for the first signs of spring. The leaves budding on the trees often look like flowers, frequently starting out red and later turning green. Day after day, I go for my walk and watch as the buds open. And yet, as closely as I watch it always seems to happen when I blink. One moment, the trees are bare sticks and then green is everywhere.

What do you do when the pain is so intense that you can’t think straight? What do you do when you lie to yourself and say that it will be all right? What do you do? What do you do when you can’t sleep at night because secretly you’re afraid that someone you love will die and you won’t know when it happens? What do you do? What do you do when the pain is so intense that when you try to pull it out it feels like claws are scrapping your insides? What do you do? Do you lie and tell yourself you’ll be alright because you haven’t thought about what it means to lose someone who is part of your history? While they lie dying in the hospital do you lie to yourself and say you’ll be okay because you’re not going to think about it, because you're not going to think about what it means to lose them? Do you lie to yourself and say you’ll be okay because you won’t feel it until it’s over? Do you lie to yourself because you’ve been through it before and you don’t want to go through it again, please don’t make me go through it again. What do you do when others rely on you to be strong and you forgot how to do that? Do you lie to yourself until a friend tells you, ‘you aren’t the same’? Do you lie to yourself until someone catches you crying when everyone defines you as “stoic”? Do you lie to yourself until you can’t eat or sleep? Do you lie to yourself until your insides feel like broken glass? Do you lie to yourself? I do.

Today I was trying to sort out a problem I was having with a "rewards" card. The card is properly registered, everything else works but no rewards. While I was on the phone speaking with a very helpful guy, it suddenly occurred to me that the problem might be caused by the two part last name. He removed the space and problem solved... sort of. I'm surprised I didn't think of the last name earlier after all, it is frequently a problem for me. It makes me wonder about the people who design the software for these things. I have done computer programming and it's not hard to write the program to accept a blank space as part of a name so why is it not done? It's not that weird to have a name with a space in it. Would I have an easier time in a country where that is more common?